How we change what others think, feel, believe and do

Saying what you want

Techniques > Assertiveness > Saying what you want

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description

When you want something, say what you want.

Try to find ways in which saying what you want in a way that does not hurt other people.

It is not necessary to justify what you want. You can just say 'I want...'. Explanation can sometimes help, but only to persuade, not apologize.

Example

I want to go home early today.

I want this job, more than job I have done before.

I want to kiss you.

Discussion

You can want all kinds fo things, for example:

Strategic: I want to buy a house rather than buy shares.
Tactical: I want you to complete that report today.
Self-focused: I want to spend a day doing absolutely nothing.
Supportive: I want to understand how I can help you.
Task-based: I want to finish this work today.
Process-based: I want to change the way we do things.

Remember that being assertive means knowing that you have rights which, as a person, are equal to others. This includes being able to say what you want without fear. To want is human and a birthright. Everyone is allowed to want.

Wanting does not mean always getting what you want (if you do, then you may be being aggressive). Being assertive also includes accepting, in a non-passive way, the occasions where you do not get what you want.

Although you may not get everything that you want, remember that it is not an all-or-nothing thing. You can get much of what you want through assertive negotiation, but negotiation also means making exchanges, which means giving as well as getting.