How we change what others think, feel, believe and do

Asking

Description | Example | Discussion | See also

Description

When you want something, you can ask for it. When you want others to do something, you can ask them to do it. To ask assertively:

Be brief, clear and specific. Ask for what you want without elaboration or floppy language.
Whilst you can explain reason, you do not need to justify your right to ask.
Do not apologize for asking.
Be polite, but not effusive.
Do not call in favors or play on friendship.
Do not use deceptive or coercive tactics.
Let them decide based on the merits of what you say.

Accept their answer as a valid response, although you can still question their rationale and try to persuade them with further argument.

If they say 'no', then you can ask for their reasons, but do not consider them bad in any way. Respect their right to refuse, and do not the refusal as a slight on you in any way. Just as you can say 'no' to others without meaning them harm, assume that others may do likewise.

Example

I would like a pay rise of ten percent. This will bring me into line with industry norms for the work I am doing.

Can you tell me what time you will be coming home, please.

Would you like to go on a date with me?

Discussion

What prevents many people from asking for things is fear of refusal. But if you have the belief that others can legitimately say 'no' and that this does not constitute a personal attack on you or somehow degrade or reduce your worth, then you will find it easier to ask.

Floppy language when you ask for something is often a signal that you do not really believe that you deserve what you are asking for, and hence is a cue for the other person to refuse.