Explanations > Motivation
> Kahler's drivers > Please Others
Identification | Benefits | Problems |
Treatment | So
This is one of the five drivers originally identified in the field of
Transactional Analysis by Taibi Kahler. Here are some simple and useful notes on
- I must make other people happy. I know that I have done this when they
acknowledge and praise me.
- Only others can tell me when I have done well. If they do not, I have failed.
- Other people's happiness is more important than mine.
- Ingratiating behavior, always seeking to please.
- Always testing that people are happy and satisfied.
- Smiling and friendly expression.
- Frames everything as a question that invites approval.
- Apologetic. Will say 'sorry' for almost anything and even just to fill space.
- Comfortable working with other people. Often well-liked and good company.
- Sympathetic and concerned about others.
- Anxious around others. Worrying too much as to how they are being perceived.
- Always seeking approval. Finds positions of authority difficult.
- Unable to say 'no' to any request.
- Finds criticism particularly difficult when it implies they have not pleased
- Worried when ignored. Easily offended (but unlikely to mention it).
- Can get locked in mutual hugging patterns or competitive pleasing with other
- Make pleasing themselves a criteria for pleasing you. Be happy when they are
happy (but beware of getting in a mutual pleasing competition).
- Help them accept criticism without feeling put down or a failure. Do not get
angry with them.
- Help them to see when pleasing others turns into dysfunctional subservience.
- Encourage them to become self-sufficient and praise themselves.
- Get them to indulge themselves now and again. Separate out some 'space for
Recognize these drivers in yourself and others and treat them accordingly.
Ellis' Irrational Beliefs,
Kahler, T. (1975). Drivers—The
Key to the Process Script. Transactional Analysis