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'Clever me' game
Explanations > Behaviours > Games > 'Clever me' game
Purpose | Game play | Discussion | So what?
Purpose
Primary: Attention, Identity
Secondary: Social capital
Game play
A does something that displays intellect, skills, values, etc.
B perceives what A has done, for example by A manipulating the situation so B 'finds out'.
B congratulates A on being so clever, good, etc.
A gains social position and identity reinforcement and hence feels good.
Discussion
This also gains B social capital for their recognition of A, and so A may repay this with other forms of recognition of B.
This can be a parent-child pattern where B is the parent giving approval to A.
In its dysfunctional form, A does not repay the social capital and simply continues to seek approval and recognition. B either falls into a consistency trap (where they feel obliged to behave consistently and hence have to keep on giving strokes) or is affected by reactance and snaps back, allowing A to then flip into a 'Poor me' game. Either way, A wins.
So what?
If you want others to recognize what you have done, set up the situation where they find out. Thank them by recognizing them in return.
Recognize other people when they have done well. Notice where they seem to be angling for approval. When you congratulate them, you may also be positioning yourself as a parent figure, from which you can continue parent-child conversations.
See also
Transactional Analysis, 'Poor me' game, 'Recognize me' game, Reactance Theory, Consistency Theory
Eric Berne, (1964), Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Balantine Books
Thomas Harris (1996), I'm OK-You're OK, Avon books
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